Stories From The Fam: Did I ever tell you that…

I have a problem with telling the truth?

If you who know me well you realize that I sometimes wield my honesty like a blunt instrument. As a result, I often find myself in trouble, but not in this story. My first grade my teacher was Mrs. Ship. I only keep the names of the innocent secret. She wasn’t.

Anyway, one day my Dad got a call from Mrs. Ship. It went something like this:

Mrs. Ship: Hello Mr. Job. I am calling about a problem with Anita at school.
Dad Job: Oh, really, what’s the problem?
Mrs. Ship: Anita has a problem with lying. I think she is a compulsive liar.
Dad Job: Well, Mrs. Ship, that is strange because Anita doesn’t lie. What did she lie about?
Mrs. Ship: Well, we were reading our social studies book and looking at pictures of places all over the country. Anita kept interrupting and saying I’ve been there, I’ve been there. When I questioned her she said “I’ve been to the top of the Space Needle, climbed the Statue of Liberty and been close enough to Plymouth’s rock to spit on it”!
Dad Job: Why did you think she was lying?
Mrs. Ship: Well because no six year old could have been to so many places all over the country.
Dad Job: Mrs. Ship, as I said before, Anita doesn’t lie. Anita has been to all of those places.

Mrs. Ship was really embarrassed (as she should have been) and things went really well, until one fateful day. I came home wearing scummy clothes. My parent’s didn’t have a lot of money, but they always made sure we were well dressed for school. When I came home from school without my own clothes my Dad immediately asked me what had happened. I explained that I had asked Mrs. Ship if I could go to the bathroom and she refused to let me go. (I should admit that I had previously been busted by Mrs. Ship for screwing around in the bathroom. I had finished my work and had climbed up on the sink to have a look in the mirror.) On this occasion I asked it I could go to the bathroom, but Mrs. Ship said “No”. I said “But, Mrs. Ship, I really have to go to the bathroom”. “No you don’t. Just sit there and be quiet”. She wasn’t taking any ifs ands or buts. So I sat quietly in my seat and shit my pants. Take that, you old hag! She felt so bad that she took my clothes home to wash herself. You should have seen her face the next day when my Dad came into the classroom. She never doubted me again, that’s for sure.