How to write an op-ed about global warming...

...if you're a wingnut. The formula for a successful opinion piece on global warming:

1.) Al Gore. This is a relatively recent addition to the successful piece on global warming. But ever since Gore's documentary came out, and especially since his Congressional testimony, Gore is a must-have for any article written on the subject. Al Gore is [choose one or more]:

-An energy hog hypocrite
-Profiting from "green" energy
-Running for President
-Fat [formerly: boring]
-Not a scientist [hence, his convictions are motivated by superstition rather than cold hard facts]

2.) Since Gore is [bullet 1], he is therefore also completely wrong about the science. Just look at the IPCC report, which notes [choose one or more]:

-Sea levels cannot possibly rise more than 20 inches
-Hurricanes have absolutely nothing to do with global warming
-Temperatures cannot possibly rise more than 1 degree centigrade
-The hockey stick has been completely discredited

These points are of course mischaracterizations of the IPCC report, but for anyone reading it, it sounds scientific, as though the author had personally gone through the report to find this information. Thus, every faux-objective opinion piece must include such trivia.

3.) Skeptical scientists are coming out of the woodwork constantly, denouncing the hysteria surrounding global warming. [Quote one or more of the following]:

Timothy Ball
Nigel Calder
Ian Clark
Richard Lindzen
Patrick Michaels
Christopher Mockton
Patrick Moore
Benny Peiser
Paul Reiter
Fred Singer
Roy Spencer

What's important here is to create the impression that there is a groundswell of anger amongst scientists that their message has been hijacked. If you plan on writing more than one article on the subject, it's wise to use only a few of the above because the list is quite limited and repetition of sources detracts from the 'groundswell of anger' message. It's best to couple the quotes from these people with one from someone like Kevin Vranes, who is not a skeptic on warming but believes scientists are worried the message is hyped too much.

4.) The few sinister scientists who still do support reducing CO2 emissions are at best tragically misguided because they are [choose one or more of the following]:

-Hopelessly inept. After all, it was cold in Buffalo today
-Greedy: they need to maintain the myth in order to continue receiving grant money
-Funded by leftist environmentalist organizations who want to ruin our economy
-Secular humanists who need to replace their lack of faith in God with a masochistic belief in Gaia

5.) It's not our fault. One of the most important sections of any opinion piece. Everyone is unfairly criticising us, when in fact others are to blame [choose one or more of the following]:

-The UN
-The Chinese
-The Indians
-The Europeans [for signing Kyoto but not meeting its goals: shows they only wanted to destroy our economy]
-Bill Clinton [for signing Kyoto but not sending it to a Senate that pre-emptively blocked its passage]
-The sun [refer to section 3 for quote]
-Environmentalists [for making stuff up]
-Margaret Thatcher
-The 1970s [for bringing us global cooling]
-Flatulence

The choice of whom to blame depends heavily on who was cited before this section and where you want to spin the article from here. But a villain is an absolute must for any story, especially global warming.

6.) Policy designed to reduce the rate of global warming is [choose one or more of the following]:

-Completely ineffective [refer to China and India, above]
-Enormously costly [refer to Bill Clinton]
-Deadly to the world's poor [refer to environmentalists as limousine liberals and draw parallels with anyone left of Sean Hannity as being a communist conspirator and therefore highly undesirable]
-Hubris
-Insanity
-Anti-capitalist
-Anti-American

The reader must come away with the impression that not only is action ineffective, but it will also lead to terrible unforseen consequences that only the author can foresee. It's the sort of warning mom would give: 'mark my words, when Africans start dying in droves just because you decided to recycle, you'll think back at this article and tell me how right I was!' Besides, people are just happier when it's a little warmer outside, just ask the Vikings.

Did I miss something?